Mr. Soft Core Art Film

November 24, 2007

I met an older man in the Starbucks the other day and he turned out to be a friend of a friend so I thought I would go out with him. I thought he was kind of neat as he was from Canada and was supposed to be some kind of documentary filmmaker. Also he was in town to do some film business and only here for a couple days.

He picked me up in his little rented car as I had agreed to let him take me to the movies. I wasn’t that surprised when he drove me downtown to an “alternative” theater but I was really surprised to determine that the movie we were seeing was some European soft-core porn with subtitles. Remember that film “Rochelle, Rochelle” from the Seinfeld episodes? It was like that.

I had to sit through eighty minutes of the worst moaning and groaning and pumping while this person watched this film with a smug look on his face. He never looked at me once. It was really embarrassed. He didn’t seem to care that I might be embraced. In fact I think he was enjoying my discomfort.

After the movie was over he didn’t say much but insisted that we go for dinner. He takes to me this pristine bar that serves tapes the size of your fingernail and huge designer martinis. After ordering for me, he kept trying to talk to me about the sex lives of people we knew and in particular the people that set his up. He then admitted to having an affair with one of my best male friend’s wife.

I was just listening to him prattle on and kept wondering if he was a sex addict while he kept ordering me martini after martini. He sure liked to talk about sex scenes I films. I know I shouldn’t have kept drinking but they were good appletinis. He kept trying to toast things to get me to drink more. It was really awful.

When the food finally came it was this awful Spanish stuff and the spicy martinis did not mix well the appletinis. I finally told him I really wasn’t feeling well and had to leave. As we were leaving the restaurant I felt the need to vomit! I had no control. Thankfully I was able to sort of hide behind the restaurant dumpster and spew my guts out.

After I was done throwing up I was surprised to find him still waiting for me. He seemed very marry as if he had accomplished some kind of mission. As we were driving I noticed that he was not driving in the right direction. He told me that he was planning to drive me to his place. Vomiting on the floor of his car changed his mind about that!

Anyhow I don’t know what to think about this weird Canadian except maybe the documentary he was making was actually about human wildlife. I am glad he has left town!

 

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Another Online Sweet Talker

September 12, 2007

The Sweet Talker wasn’t the only bad thing that happened to my friend Karin online. In fact it was a party compared to what happened later. This next guy was such a terrible experience it made her think seriously about giving up the online dating idea completely. I even agreed and told her it would be a good idea! Anyway, it was a few months ago. She was all excited one day and sent me a photo of this guy she just hooked up with on the date site, and this one was so AMAZING looking it even made me a little jealous. He was gorgeous, blond and tanned, like a surfer model from another planet, maybe planet HOT. Karin was walking on a cloud right away and it was no use getting her to talk about anything else. No wonder, because everything else about this guy sounded too good to be true.

She told me he was a petroleum engineer, just out of school and working on the oil rigs up in Canada. He told her his father was an oil executive and his mom was a missionary. They talked on the phone about three times a day.

This doesn’t sound like a bad thing, and it wasn’t, not yet at least. It actually made me kind of happy because Karin was so excited and focused. It was like an advertisement for online dating sometimes being like winning a lottery for some people. But I noticed right off that he didn’t seem to be asking many questions about Karin, or her life or anything. Guys can be like that, just thinking about themselves, especially hot guys, but this was strange. Still, she told me I was just paranoid, so that was it — for a week or so.

Suddenly gifts began to arrive at Karin’s place, nice gallant-gentleman gifts like chocolates, roses, big balloons and even a few teddy bears. Now she was talking about going up to Canada and never coming back, starting a family with him. Then she told me he’d called for like the fifth time that day to tell her his mom had been involved in an accident while doing missionary work in Africa and he needed to wire cash right away to make sure she was shipped back home to a hospital here. He asked her to contribute as much as she could and to ask her friends to throw in money to help. Right away after we hung up I went online to a fraud-busters blog and described the situation to people in the chat room. They kind of laughed at me and said that Karin had – almost – been the victim of a notorious online fraudster ring run from somewhere in Africa. The guy’s photo was a fake and the gifts were probably bought on a stolen credit card.

You can imagine how terrible it was to bring this news to Karin, but I did it right away. Nothing special for me or anyone else, I think, because friends have to help friends. She cut the guy off and I hope people reading this will always be careful, EXTRA careful, because who knows what’s out there anymore?

 

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A Wasted Trip to Toronto

August 10, 2007

I have had this crush on a guy that lives in Toronto, Canada for about two years. We only talk online but I decided a few days ago that it was time to meet him in person. Thesis because he was always talking about coming down here to meet me but he never made it. I have had such bad luck dating recently that I thought I would take matters into my own hands.

So I booked myself a cheap flight and hotel stay to Toronto (which is easy if you live in Florida – there are so many Canadians down here it is practically another province.)

I knew he couldn’t pick me up from the airport but that was okay because cab fare to the Royal York Hotel was included anyway. However I did feel a little wary when he insisted that I just come over to his apartment right away. I do like the guy but I really haven’t met him in person so we compromised and I agreed to meet him at a nearby restaurant.

When I met him I wasn’t disappointed. He was very much the same person that I had been talking to on the phone and on Yahoo. He wasn’t quite as handsome as his picture but he did warn me he was a little uglier in real life!

The next day I waited almost all day for him to call even though he said he would call first thing in the morning. This was very frustrating as I could have gotten out to see the sights such as the CN Tower. Instead I waited all day by the hotel telephone. When he did finally call I was also very disappointed because he insisted that we meet in a park that was near his place. I was hoping that at the very least we could meet in a restaurant and was dismayed to hear that he was too broke to go out.

It took me about an hour by subway to get to this park and when we met he insisted we walk around about an hour and then go back this place. Once back at his place he tried to jump my bones immediately but of course, being a reasonably good girl, I didn’t think that was appropriate. He tried not to show his disappointment when I told him it was too soon to have sex. As I was starving I told him I would pay for Chinese food if he would go out and get it. He then came back and we watched old sitcom reruns on television for four hours before he yawned and walked me to the bus stop.

It took me about two hours to get back to the hotel and he did not see me to the airport. Our fond farewell was by phone. I haven’t heard from him since in fact even though I had been talking to him for two years! I guess he just wanted too much too soon.

 

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