Online Rules Redux

November 12, 2007

I know I was promising to come up with a definitive set of rules when it comes to dating online and finally here it is …

The first rule is NO PROFILE, NO DATING. If there is a big question mark or line drawing of a person where the profile photo should be then there is something wrong with the guy. Either he is hideously deformed or ugly or he does not want his mother, girlfriend, wife or kids to catch him trying to have an infidelity online. You should also beware if there is nothing written in the profile. Even if the profile consists of all jokes or lays it still tells you something about him.

The second rule is NO MARRIED MEN. If a man tells you he is about to be divorced don’t believe him. Half the time this is not true especially if he tells you he also has children. Also never fall for the line that he is not sleeping with his wife even though he is still living with her. If they are under the same roof he is not emotionally available. Ask him when the ink on his divorce papers will be dry.

NO TEENAGERS. Sometimes I think I should revise that to NO TWENTY SOMETHINGS even though I am in my twenties myself. Men my age tend to be so insecure and immature. I find if you are looking for sex or fun they are fine. But if you are looking for a committed relationship – NEVER TRUST ANYONE UNDER THIRTY. The men I have found that are most interested in settling down or who will treat you right on a date are at least thirty five.

NO LONG DISTANCE ROMANCES. God knows who is at the other end. I know my luck has not been that fantastic dating locally when you date long distance things are even riskier. Someone who you never see that often could lay his or her pants off about being married, having a girlfriend or whatever and you would never be the wiser.

MEET IN PUBLIC DURING THE DAY. Don’t make that first date a romantic one. Meet in public during the day instead and make sure it is a Dutch treat so the guy won’t feel that you “owe” him anything. Of course in theory you should never owe anyone sex just for buying you a coffee but there are men out there that thing like that. If there is chemistry then you can arrange a formal date later. This might not seem that romantic but you need to be this practical when you are looking for love online or you could make a big mistake or even put your life in danger.

Right now I am considering trying to meet more men offline, as I am not having that much success on the Internet. I have no problem getting dates but they often with very strange men.

 

Dating Journal
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No Net?

October 15, 2007

I just got back from one of the STRANGEST dates of my life! Everything about it was different and I don’t mean a FUN or GOOD kind of different. Starting right off with the fact that I didn’t meet this guy online. Serious, it was my first non-line (J) date in months. There are these tennis courts I walk by every afternoon on my way home and I started noticing this guy there maybe three or four days a week. So of course I can tell you he was in kicking shape, who wouldn’t be after all that exercise so often?

So I started watching him play, just sitting quietly off to one side. Sometimes I’d go get a coffee and then come back to watch. Not like I’m into tennis that much beyond Roddick and that shaved head guy who married another tennis player, but it was fun to watch and even kind of relaxing. This guy was older than me but not by much, and he always played with different partners. I was really into his dedication and focus.

So after a week or two he noticed me sitting there and came over to say hello on a break from playing. We talked a little and he told me he was in the restaurant business and that he always tried to take as many afternoons as possible to go out and play tennis. He didn’t ask to see me again right away, and I kind of liked that, so I went back the following week and this time he came over and invited me to join him after the match. I couldn’t that day so we made a date for a few days after that.

So fast forward to last night, when we met up at a bar near a restaurant where he told me he’s part-owner. We’re there only about ten or fifteen minutes when he starts an argument with me, and not a constructive argument either. He asked me how much time I spend online average each day, and I told him it varies, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know where he was going with this, but then he made it crystal clear: he said the Net “ruins people’s minds” and why am I online when I could just go do something else, like play tennis? I was shocked, didn’t know what to say right off…and then he asked me if I used online dating and I told him yes, I used it a lot. And then he just about lost it! He luanched into some kind of moral speech about the Net separating people instead of bringing them together, why am I a part of the problem, blah blah blah. I excused myself and took off, the only time I’ve EVER done that, but what else could I do? This guy was out of control.

I’m not going offline and I’m not going to listen to ignorant people try to dig up something wrong because maybe they’re not happy with their own lives. I like the people I meet, people like YOU, and that’s it

 

Dating Journal
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My Creepy Crush

September 21, 2007

Sometimes the worst dating experience isn’t with a total stranger, blind date or an online guy. It can be way worse with someone you’ve known for years! At least it happened to me. It was a guy I went to high school with. I actually had a crush on him back then. He was a senior when I was a sophomore, but his locker was near mine and we checked each other out a lot. He played on the basketball team and was kind of the silent type, but maybe I’m just saying that because he was older and I didn’t get to know him that much. Anyway, he already had a girlfriend in his year, and the year after that he was gone and I lost track of him.

So, fast forward to like four or five years later and I see him when I’m at a movie with friends. He was dressed all in black and looked totally different but still hot. I should have known it was weird when he wanted me to dump my friends right away and go out for coffee with him, but I was flattered that he remembered me and so we hooked up. The story he told me was REALLY interesting at first: he left town right after high school to pursue his dream of becoming – seriously – a professional magician! At least that’s what I thought, but he got all agitated when I used that word and told me he wasn’t a magician, he was an “illusionist”. He actually got quite upset about that, and that’s when he launched into this long speech about his hero David Copperfield, how he followed him on tour for a few years to learn the magic trade (oops, sorry “illusion” trade!). But he was so passionate that at first I was really into seeing him again. He said he was living in town but was leaving soon to do his show at Universal Studios. We got together a few nights later.

So we sit down at the restaurant and right away he started asking me if I wouldn’t mind dying my hair blonde. I thought it was a joke but he pressed me a little on it and finally I started getting a little annoyed. Why ask that question on a first date? It’s like asking someone to be someone else, you know? And then, once again, he went on and on and on about Copperfield. It got kind of boring, so I asked him if maybe he could do some tricks for me, but all he did was sweep his hands in the air a lot, like a bad Criss Angel impersonation. I guess the only trick he really did was convincing me he was a cool guy at first.

I never saw him again, in person or on TV. So remember that someone you liked in high school might not be a that fun an idea a few years later.

 

Dating Journal
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Mr. El Cheapo

September 6, 2007

Okay this is not my horrific story but it is my girlfriend Kate’s. Kate was seeing this guy for a year. He seemed like perfect marriage material. He was tall, handsome, kind and good in bed. Even better yet, he has a job as a researcher that pays him about seven thousand a year. Kate by the way is an assistant to a mortgage broker and only makes about thirty five thousand a year.

So it turns out that his mom gets sick and that they have to go down to San Diego to visit her. El Cheapo, as he is now known, has a very nice SUV but it turns out he doesn’t want to take it on the road around the gulf as he fears it might be damaged. Instead he encourages my friend to take her cheap Honda instead. This way he doesn’t have to pay for insurance and all the rest.

His mother lives in a one-bedroom condo in the middle of town in a development that is not too pretty. Even though his mom’s two sisters were already staying there he insisted that he and Kate stay there too to save money. The result was an aching back from sleeping on the iron bars that you can fell all night when you sleep on a fold out couch. All night she was longing to be in a hotel, any hotel, even a Holiday Inn. Furthermore the two old ladies that were in the bedroom would not stop snoring.

All night Kate kept thinking, “Well maybe that real engagement ring he has been promising me is not on the way. “ Instead of proposing with a diamond ring he bought her a zircon that would do in the time being.

The next morning El Cheapo and Kate had toast and coffee and then spent all day at the hospital where his mother was fine. Kate bought his mother a big bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear and some candied fruits that she could enjoy later. She also bought his mom a housecoat so she would not feel embarrassed walking down the hall with the rear flaps of the hospital gown flapping open. Then Kate suggested that they go get something to eat.

Kate suggests celebrating the success of his mom’s operations by eating somewhere five star and really good like Benihani’s but instead he takes her to a really cheap pub down by the wharf where they have watery corn chowder and hamburgers with buns that taste like cardboard. When the bill comes he takes a look at and when he sees that it comes to a grand total of sixteen dollars plus tip he says to her (quite seriously) – “We’ve got to stop going to such expensive restaurants.”

Needless to say the two of them broke up for good shortly after that episode. The moral of the story is – always go for the diamond in the rough and don’t settle for a cheap Zircon.

 

Dating Journal
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