Mr. Enthusiastic

August 7, 2007

Well I was pretty bored the other day, so I started surfing and caught myself a real live man right away. I agreed to meet someone that I me t through a local online chat that same day I normally check them out a little better before I agree to a date but it was a beautiful day and he wanted to take me to my very favorite seafood restaurant on the water.

Once again I lucked out! He looked very similar to his picture and he was very nicely dressed. I remember thinking as he came to the door that he seemed to be a little shy and quiet but there is nothing really wrong with that.

He also did not say much as we raced along the seashore highway in his gorgeous little Porsche. I just decided to attribute this to shyness. He told me where we were going and he complimented me once. All he said was “That dress looks good on you.”

However when it was about halfway through our dinner and he had about three scotches and was still not looking me in the eye I began to get concerned. He seemed, in fact, to be looking everywhere in the room but at me directly. Mostly his gaze seemed to land on the television sets above the bar, which were broadcasting a sports game.

Even thought the food was great and he was one of the nicest looking men I have ever been with I was starting to feel claustrophobic. He wasn’t really talking about much. He mentioned that the construction on the highway was irritating. He also said something about how he was planning to install new tiles in his condo.

The silence between him and I was deafening so I claimed that I wasn’t feeling well and that I wanted to go him. This was his cue to order another Scotch. He then asked me if I would like to go on a three day weekend with him to Las Vegas. He also told me he would take me shopping and buy me some glamorous clothes so I would look great standing next to him at the baccarat tables. He also told me that he had the feeling that I would bring him good luck.

When I said that I wasn’t interested in going to Vegas he didn’t reply. He simply continued to watch the television while he finished his drink. He then drove me home with only saying the most perfunctory of words such as “Do up your seatbelt.” He attempted to peck me on the cheek as I left the car but I dodged him.

That was one of the loneliest dates I have ever been on but part of me is wondering if it would have gone better if I had agreed to go to Las Vegas. Although I could use some sexy clothes I am sure I would have “cooled out” his luck as I am definitely not happy about being a trophy girlfriend.

 

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Using A Dog To Meet Men

July 6, 2007

Well I have decided to give and buy a dog. I love dogs but the main reason I am getting one is so I can meet more men.

Meeting more men is easy if you have a cute pooch. At least that is what my friends have told me. So far I am not sure it is working. It seems like I am meeting more women. They are more inclined to stop you and go “Oh, what a cute dog – where did you get it etc.”

The idea of course is to take the dog out to a park and then walk with it and wait for men who like pets to come up and start a conversation with you. However that got me thinking about what type of man needs to be focusing on a dog before he can muster up the powers of speech. If you meet a man because of a dog does that mean you will be spending the entire relationship focusing and talking about the dog? Will you be one of those married couples that avoids having sex and instead lies in bed and talks about the dog all night? Will the dog be the best man or best bitch at my wedding? Will the dog lie between us at night and become our Furkid like child substitute.

Yet another thing about trying to attract a man while walking a dog in a park is that one of the least sexy things you could be caught doing in the world is cleaning up dog poop. First of all there is all of the unattractive squatting you have to do and the faces you make as you pick the stuff up. Second of all there is that smell. There is nothing like being seduced to the sweet smells of digested Alpo or Performatrim. Also how sexy is carrying a pooper scooper or bits of plastic bag around.

So far all I have met is a lot of really old men. They are the type that seem more likely to stop and pet the dog on the head. Then they leer at me and ask me lots of questions about the dog in order to prevent me from meeting the men I really want to meet. The cute guys just walk on by because they can see my dance card has already been filled by all of these Bob Barker types who love dogs.

What I am hoping is that while playing fetch with the dog a man will bring the Frisbee back in his teeth instead of the dog. And he better look like Matthew Macounaghy too.

Still now that I have a dog I am thinking that he might be better for me then any old boyfriend. Not only does he have gorgeous eyes but he gives me lots of unconditional love. It is almost worth the $500 I had to spend in microchipping and vaccination shots just to make him legally mine – all mine!

 

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Who Am I Dressing Up For?

July 3, 2007

There are two versions of me that exist. There is one version that dresses as she needs to every day and then there is another version that is supposed to be wearing all of these clothes that are hanging in my closet. Of course these clothes never get worn. They are meant to be worn by some much more glamorous version of me that appears in a magazine or that is invited to parties where people like Lindsay or Paris are present.

For instance, in my closet there is a white crochet mini dress hanging there. This thing has more holes in it than a spider web yet somehow when I bought it I thought it was the ideal thing to wear to my next party out. There are just a few things wrong with it. First of all you need to wear a slip of some sort under it and the slip that would fit under this thing just isn’t made anymore. Second of all it is white which means that if I did go out and wear it that I would most likely spill something on it right away. Thirdly it is wool and it is too hot here in summer to wear wool.

So what was I thinking when I bought this crochet monstrosity with the wooden beads hanging on a cord that suffice for a zipper on it? I was thinking somehow that I was not really me, but that I was really Sienna Miller in Alfie or Factory Girl. This was a huge mistake that cost me a lot of money.

Yet another mistake a recently made was to try and dress like Anne Hathaway in the Devil Wears Prada. I responded to watching that movie by going right out and buying a pseudo Chanel suit knock off. I also bought a Grecian style dress and silver shoes and a pair of very high waisted trousers with suspenders. Trying this stuff on in the store I thought I looked like Anna Wintour, a Greek Goddess or Diane Keaton. Once I got home I realized I looked like an asylum escapee, underdressed or an unemployed clown.

Don’t get me wrong I do have some very nice clothes in my closet that I have bought that look great on me. The problem is that I am not meeting the kind of men who will take me somewhere nice in these clothes. It is like the clothes exist to attract some man that doesn’t exist in an alternative reality.

I have some gorgeous high heels but I can’t walk on the boardwalk or along the beach in them. I can’t even dance in them if I ever did get asked to go dancing. I have some wonderful chiffon and silk dresses as well but they are just not the thing to wear when my dates want to go drinking at the nearest University pub.

So just why did I buy all these fancy clothes when it is all an illusion? I guess it is the type of illusion that gives me hope – that makes me believe I will never grow old or become divorced one day and that my own Prince Charming is coming along any minute.

 

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What’s wrong with Jessica Simpson?

June 30, 2007

Has anyone looked at picture of Jessica Simpson lately? There is something seriously wrong there. Her lips look like they have been pumped up by an inner tube.

First of all you need to take a good look at her lips. They are really badly distended and turned down in a really unattractive way. She has more than a trout pout. I would call that a Carp Pout. Why is it attractive to make yourself look like a gasping overgrown guppie?

What is even worse is she is painting her guppy lips with this really slick pink lipstick. This emphasizes the constant anxious and meek look that she seems to have. She just doesn’t look confident with those lips. Kissing her must be like kissing a sweaty carp. Those big pads of flesh look really slippery. When John Mayer kisses her he must slide right off and off of her chin.

The thing is that Jessica Simpson used to have really nice lips. They were full like any young person’s should be. She also had a really nice cupid’s bow. Now she looks like she has had an operation to fix a cleft palate. By the way in case you ever wondered where Julia Robert’s thick rubbery lips come from it is from having to have a cleft palate operation when she was born. In fact we can probably all blame Julia for starting this fad for mutant thick lips in the first place. Lisa Rinna is another culprit. Did you know that Lisa Rinna’s lips were so fat that the producers of Melrose Place asked her to deflate them a bit because she was getting hate mail from viewers about them!

If they took a poll among ordinary women we would probably find out that all of us actually hate this fat lip look. The collagen injections are disempowering. They make you look like you have been whopped in the face by a jealous girlfriend.

Yet the other thing about Jessica is that weird red hair she has assumed. It makes her look like a dowdy camp counselor instead of like the mane of a superstar singer. She looked better with blonde hair. Yet it seems like she dyed her hair to please her man – that snooty rich pseudointellectual John Mayer. No matter how hard she tries poor Jessica is never going to be able to turn herself into Anais Nin or Simone De Beauvoir.

I am horrified to think that this insecure woman is supposed to be the role model for thousands of young girls. All she is telling us is that bloating up your lips is the answer to emotionally coping somehow. Obviously she has already been a bad influence on little sister Ashley who recently had all of the character and beauty sucked out of her face including her signature hooked nose and beautiful expressive mouth. Now she just looks like a carbon copy of trout mouthed sister Jessica.

 

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