Affirmations for Losers

August 31, 2007

This friend of mine sent me this book and I am horrified. It was written by some guy from San Diego and it is sold online as Absolute Power Dating. The guy who authors it is just like the guy that weird dating coach Tom Cruise plays in Magnolia.

It is all about how to get laid without having a relationship. He is like the Dr. Phil of Creeps. He tells men that the thing to do is do the opposite of what they have been doing all along and be mean to women. That way you don’t end up all pussy whipped.

Of course this is not good news for girls who like me who want to have relationships. The funny part of the book is that he tells them to look in the mirror and say the most hilarious affirmations to themselves such as “I’m not the center of the universe! I am the Universe.” This is because he seems to think that women are attracted to men who are really egotistical. I have to admit this is partly true but not completely. Women are more attracted to men who are confident rather than men who are so egostistical that “I am the Universe!” is the positive affirmation. I want to tell him, hey – have fun with our Universe. This planet is finding some other cosmos to spin around in.

Also there is something kind of creepy about men that spend hours looking in the mirror and saying things like “Every woman thinks I am fascinating!” or “Even if I made a lot of money I wouldn’t spend it on a woman.” Other affirmations from this book include “Women hit on me constantly, even when they are with their boyfriends.” OUCH. Somebody is suffering from a case of really low esteem.

Other gems in the affirmations for losers collection include “I have no downside.”, “I only date super-models.”, “Women are obsessed with me.” , “I don’t call women.”, “Women call me all the time.”, “I’m so amusing I should charge admission!”, “Women will stand in line to have a chance to talk with me.” And my favorite “Every woman in here is staring at me.” (I suspect for the wrong reasons at this point.

In this book the author says that the reason the affirmations have to be so grand is because most men are coming from a place of deficit in the first place. He also says that these affirmations have to be spoken every day for twenty-one days to be effective. It makes one wonder. What happens if you miss a day? Does it, ahem, get all limp again? Do you have to start all over again from day one and repeat the 21 days. Or can you just continue and add on the missing day of affirmations.

I am thinking of developing my own affirmations that have everything to do with staying away from men who are so insecure that they have to tell themselves stuff like this every day in the mirror.

 

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Chocolate Surprise!

August 13, 2007

I just have to share this story, which happened to my friend Barbara Jane. She is single and in her twenties like me and her boss thought that her neighbour’s single son would make a great blind date for her. After all he was in University studying to be a dentist and was apparently just living in his mother’s basement still so he could save on intuition.

So on the urging of her boss, who meant so well, she meets this guy for an hour and a half lunch date. When she laid eyes on him she couldn’t believe her good fortune. He was good looking, witty, well dressed and seemed to have a great sense of humor. She immediately said yes when he offered to take her out on a date the next day that just happened to be Valentine’s Day.

The next day he shows up at her door and rings the bell. He is dressed up in a designer to die for suit and looks just like one of those handsome men in Details magazine. Furthermore he is holding out a dozen red roses, which are meant just for her.

My girlfriend Barbara Jane takes the flowers and just as she says she must put them in water he tells her to wait as there are even more presents for her. He then bends over and starts placing two more prettily wrapped boxes inside her front hall.

As there are so many presents she invites him, all the time saying “Oh you shouldn’t have!” and really meaning it to because it was a bit of Valentine’s Day overkill.

The first thing she does is uncork the bottle of champagne he has brought and pour them both a glass. She then opens the first present, which contains a nice pair of pink satin gloves that he says he found in a vintage store. She is really pleased about this as she did tell him that she loved these old style kid gloves the day before at lunch.

The second present was also pretty good. It was an entire bottle of Guerlain perfume. The good stuff and not just the eau de toilette and it was packaged in a limited edition bottle.

As she went to open the third present, which was a beautiful red foil heart shaped box he said, “I hope you are not one of those women who doesn’t like to eat things.”

Inside this box is “premium exotic chocolate.” When she opens the lid to the box of chocolates she was amazed to see that the box was filled with six quite big cream filled replicas of chocolate penises.

“Have one!” he says.

She didn’t know what do say and just stared in disbelief. She said she wasn’t hungry and went through with the rest of the date but needless to say after it was over had to tell her boss that this one wasn’t quite going to work out (without going into too much detail!)

 

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The Dating Anti Profile

August 1, 2007

Have you ever had a bad experience dating online? If you have been abused and you are a woman then you do have some recourse. You can post what is known as an anti-profile on the sites DontDateHimGirl.com and Womansavers.com. Both of these sites are like America’s Most Wanted but for bad men.

Some of these profiles are pretty amusing. You see the guy, usually in a really cute pose in a pic that was taken by the writer of the profile when she was really in love with him. Then you see a big rant written about him below. The one I read on Don’tDateHimGirl.com today says (this is paraphrased down from three solid paragraphs) “he will take your money, make promises he will never keep, will cry and tell you he is your soul mate and then take complete advantage of you when your defenses are down. He will charm you, woo you and make you believe that he cares only to rip it all away from you the minute you turn your back.”

What is even more amazing is that once a guy’s profile gets on a site like Don’tDateHimGirl he can also end up the subject of a myspace group. That is what happened to this guy here because he apparently slept with several different women in different states. The name of the Myspace site devoted to him is “User and Abuser.” On this one the women have revealed their yahoo style chats, videos he has sent them and the whole caboodle of betrayal. Currently he is thought to be wooing over fifty females.

Womansavers.com works much the same way. There are tons of reports written by women who have been dating online. On here you will find all kinds of photos and handles of men who are not that great to date. When I looked today the most recent posting was about a mentally and physically abusive jailbird who cons money out of women by marrying them.

However looking at these sites it makes me wonder how much of this is real and how much of it is written out of revenge. What kind of woman dates a jailbird in the first place?

However I can’t help but think that all of this is a big improvement over a few years ago when women really didn’t know what they were into when they met men.

I also wonder how many of these profiles are real. What’s to prevent the site owners from taking pictures of people who are deceased, posting them and then writing wild stories about how abusive the men are?

I wonder if one day anyone will ever crate a site that has men rate bad girlfriends. Like a golddiggers.com. Or a list of women who love ‘em and leave ‘em. This is probably not that likely as men just don’t seem to take it as hard when they are abused by woman. Either that or they just never admit when they are hurt like we do.

 

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Using A Dog To Meet Men

July 6, 2007

Well I have decided to give and buy a dog. I love dogs but the main reason I am getting one is so I can meet more men.

Meeting more men is easy if you have a cute pooch. At least that is what my friends have told me. So far I am not sure it is working. It seems like I am meeting more women. They are more inclined to stop you and go “Oh, what a cute dog – where did you get it etc.”

The idea of course is to take the dog out to a park and then walk with it and wait for men who like pets to come up and start a conversation with you. However that got me thinking about what type of man needs to be focusing on a dog before he can muster up the powers of speech. If you meet a man because of a dog does that mean you will be spending the entire relationship focusing and talking about the dog? Will you be one of those married couples that avoids having sex and instead lies in bed and talks about the dog all night? Will the dog be the best man or best bitch at my wedding? Will the dog lie between us at night and become our Furkid like child substitute.

Yet another thing about trying to attract a man while walking a dog in a park is that one of the least sexy things you could be caught doing in the world is cleaning up dog poop. First of all there is all of the unattractive squatting you have to do and the faces you make as you pick the stuff up. Second of all there is that smell. There is nothing like being seduced to the sweet smells of digested Alpo or Performatrim. Also how sexy is carrying a pooper scooper or bits of plastic bag around.

So far all I have met is a lot of really old men. They are the type that seem more likely to stop and pet the dog on the head. Then they leer at me and ask me lots of questions about the dog in order to prevent me from meeting the men I really want to meet. The cute guys just walk on by because they can see my dance card has already been filled by all of these Bob Barker types who love dogs.

What I am hoping is that while playing fetch with the dog a man will bring the Frisbee back in his teeth instead of the dog. And he better look like Matthew Macounaghy too.

Still now that I have a dog I am thinking that he might be better for me then any old boyfriend. Not only does he have gorgeous eyes but he gives me lots of unconditional love. It is almost worth the $500 I had to spend in microchipping and vaccination shots just to make him legally mine – all mine!

 

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