His Ex Lives In My Building

August 4, 2007

I started talking to this guy online recently. He sent me a picture of himself and he seemed very cute. I knew that he lived close where to I do as a lot of our online chat was about the local neighbourhood and we also frequently discussed the irony of how we never seemed to run into each other. We also had a few acquaintances in common so I thought it was safe to ask him to pick me up.

When he pulled up in his sports car I was really pleased at what I saw. He looked exactly like he did in his online picture and he was really cute. However I could not figure out why he looked so upset. Instead of coming up the laneway towards my apartment he pulled out a cell phone and was calling someone.

My phone rang. When I answered it he told me in a really embarrassed tone that he did not know how to tell me this but he wasn’t allowed to come into my building. He said his ex lived in the apartment complex and that she had a restraining order against him so I would have to come out to the car by myself. He wasn’t even allowed to come on the property.

I know. I know. I should have hung up at the words “restraining order” but I just didn’t feel like I could take one more disappointment. I go downstairs and I get into his car. He is sort of slouched down inside of it like he is hiding from her view.

We talk about where we would like to go and then he tells me he wants to get as far away from my neighborhood as possible. I agree. Then I find out that he does not know the neighborhood at all and only knows it because his ex lives in my building.

So he starts driving and we end up at a little cheap Mexican restaurant on the other side of town. Nothing at all seems that wrong except that he seems really nervous and keeps encouraging me to down Margheritas. After making the usual small talk I finally worked up the courage to ask him a little more about his ex.

That’s when he tells me that she is not really an ex and that they were not really together but they should have been. In fact he went into a very long story that included descriptions of the two times he went to jail for just sending her flowers and phoning.

I soon realized I was having dinner with a serious stalker.

Thankfully I got out of the date okay but of course now I am on edge wondering if he might stalk me too. I tried to talk to the woman I think is his ex about it but each time I see her she is with her boyfriend and I don’t want to embarrass him. Hopefully he will just take the hint and leave me alone as I am not answering his calls.

 

Dating Journal
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The Dating Anti Profile

August 1, 2007

Have you ever had a bad experience dating online? If you have been abused and you are a woman then you do have some recourse. You can post what is known as an anti-profile on the sites DontDateHimGirl.com and Womansavers.com. Both of these sites are like America’s Most Wanted but for bad men.

Some of these profiles are pretty amusing. You see the guy, usually in a really cute pose in a pic that was taken by the writer of the profile when she was really in love with him. Then you see a big rant written about him below. The one I read on Don’tDateHimGirl.com today says (this is paraphrased down from three solid paragraphs) “he will take your money, make promises he will never keep, will cry and tell you he is your soul mate and then take complete advantage of you when your defenses are down. He will charm you, woo you and make you believe that he cares only to rip it all away from you the minute you turn your back.”

What is even more amazing is that once a guy’s profile gets on a site like Don’tDateHimGirl he can also end up the subject of a myspace group. That is what happened to this guy here because he apparently slept with several different women in different states. The name of the Myspace site devoted to him is “User and Abuser.” On this one the women have revealed their yahoo style chats, videos he has sent them and the whole caboodle of betrayal. Currently he is thought to be wooing over fifty females.

Womansavers.com works much the same way. There are tons of reports written by women who have been dating online. On here you will find all kinds of photos and handles of men who are not that great to date. When I looked today the most recent posting was about a mentally and physically abusive jailbird who cons money out of women by marrying them.

However looking at these sites it makes me wonder how much of this is real and how much of it is written out of revenge. What kind of woman dates a jailbird in the first place?

However I can’t help but think that all of this is a big improvement over a few years ago when women really didn’t know what they were into when they met men.

I also wonder how many of these profiles are real. What’s to prevent the site owners from taking pictures of people who are deceased, posting them and then writing wild stories about how abusive the men are?

I wonder if one day anyone will ever crate a site that has men rate bad girlfriends. Like a golddiggers.com. Or a list of women who love ‘em and leave ‘em. This is probably not that likely as men just don’t seem to take it as hard when they are abused by woman. Either that or they just never admit when they are hurt like we do.

 

Dating Journal
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Dating The Walking Wounded

July 29, 2007

This didn’t happen to me. It happened to my friend Siobhan who got a big lesson in the “high maintenance” romance department.

She met this guy called Nicholas at a dance club and they went home immediately after and had sex at her place. This then turned into one of those glorious romantic weekends where you go out for eggs benedict, buy a bottle of wine and then spend a second night together. By the time Monday morning rolled around Siobhan was pretty thrilled when she called me to proudly pronounce, “It’s a relationship!”

The problem is that what initially appeared to be devotion to her is actually clinginess and insecurity. She ended up fielding his phone calls no matter where she went because he just seemed to have so many problems all of the time. Sometimes what seems like devotion is just narcissism.

The worst part was that he would call her at work. He would call her to describe his morning bowel movement and how he was scared he would get cancer. He would tell her about how he was scared about getting cancer too like his mother.

He would also call her at night. If they spent one night alone he would have a nightmare about something. Or he would hear a song or see something on television that would remind him of some kind of trauma from his past. Watching one bad movie past midnight could have this guy on the phone talking about his ex for hours. He would also call her whenever he had insomnia and then also call her from his work during the day to complain about how tired he was.

The weirdest calls she got were about his epiphanies. These would be his revelations that his entire life was about to change. He would be sitting somewhere and “see this bird” or “hear this woman in front of me say something” and then he would have a transcendental experience. He would call her and say, “I know after seeing (or hearing that) that it is an omen and things are going to be different from now on.” He would never say how they would be different which of course would be kind of scary if you were in a relationship with someone. He would just say they would be different and then hang up on her and then she would be focusing on him on all day.

Siobhan had to get rid of this guy because ultimately she was going to get fired if she spent much more time ducking into the washroom to return his personal calls in the workplace.

The moral of this story is “Don’t Date The Walking Wounded.” Just because they need you doesn’t mean they love you. There are some really narcissistic people out there. Really, any relationship that they could have would be more about them then about the two of you as a couple. Siobhan found this out the hard way.

 

Dating Journal
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Mr. Whatever

July 26, 2007

Have you ever gone out with one of those “whatever” guys? No matter what you ask them to do they just go “whatever.” It is the height of romantic nihilism and I think in terms of relationships, the height of irresponsibility and emotionally cold and unavailable. Whatever happened to the guy that is strong, determined and able to make decisions. I’m not asking for Prince Charming but I do like to be swept off of my feet sometimes.

I have been seeing this one guy on and off for a few months and the reason he will never become a boyfriend of mine for real is because he is a “whatever” guy. For instance the other night I was feeling kind of lonely and figured I would call Whatever Guy up to see if he just wanted to go hang around somewhere at a beachside café and maybe get something to eat.

So I phone him and say, “So what are you up to?” I am always nice and casual with no pressure and he says “Watching Seinfeld reruns.” Of course he never asks me what I have been up to. That is how Mr. Whatever lets me know that he could care less.

I then tell him that I thinking of going and hanging around on the beachfront and maybe getting a cup of coffee or something to eat and he says “I just had a cup of coffee.”

Even more disconcerting about this whole conversation is that I think that he was very much enraptured by the Seinfeld episode he was watching. So I say, “well you don’t have to have coffee you can have beer or wine or something else.”

This is his cue to say “whatever.”

When I then ask him what time he wants to meet he also says “whatever.”

Just as I am starting to get the feeling that he just doesn’t want to see me at all he turns it around and goes – “Which restaurant.”

I am not sure what I think of Mr. Whatever’s manner. My female friends say he is depressed and apathetic. My male friends here however say that he is not shy, or undecided or passive aggressive or anything like that. They say that they use the words “whate3ver” when they don’t want to see someone and that he might just be agreeing to see me because he has nothing better to do with his time and is bored. The men say that it is code for “don’t get your hopes up.”

All I have to say about that is ‘Ouch!” I think my mother would say that I deserve something better then the ‘whatever” man but oddly I am attracted to him. There is nothing like someone not wanting you to make you want them more. This is especially true if you have already had sex with him. It is one of the crazy laws of the universe when it comes to love.

 

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