My Marine Nightmare

September 18, 2007

I always thought I was pretty smart when judging men but it seems like I am on here every couple of days writing about some jerk. I guess you can never be too careful no matter how heroic someone seems at first.

Anyway I went to Disney with some friends and there I met a marine who also lives in Miami. I met him in those most romantic way…riding the same roller coaster. I know they say that marines have a lady in every port but this one was so nice. He looked like a “momma’s boy.” Really, fresh clean and innocent looking.

We had some French fries together at Disney world and exchanged numbers. Back in Miami he called and we talked on the phone for about two weeks before we actually linked up. Finally after he spent two hours flirting with me on the phone I decided to give him a chance despite everything I had heard about marines and their womanizing ways.

We went to a great little Italian restaurant in town and spent hours petting each other’s hands and gazing into each eyes over really good wine and tiramisu. I was smitten. Also he was so well built like marines can be. We talked all night until the place closed.

Walking hand in hand on the boardwalk I suggest that we go to his place but he says that he can’t have me over because the condo is being painted. Even though I realize this is a red flag I went ahead and invited him over to my place. As we were necking on my couch I felt something vibrate in his pocket. It was his cell phone. That cell phone vibrated against my thigh about eight more times before I asked him to get it. My theory is that if someone is calling you that much he means they have a girlfriend or it is an emergency.

He kept insisting it wasn’t an emergency and for the first time I saw beyond my own lust and that he was just another predator. Probably a two timing predator at this. When I accused him of having a girlfriend he blushed and denied it and that was it. I was so embarrassed I had to ask him to leave. For a minute I thought he was not going to leave and suddenly I was very afraid of that tall muscular toned physique that I was so attracted to in the first place.

Thankfully he left without giving me too much grief. He was a marine after all and if things had got physical I would not have stood a chance. What a waste of time!

Sometimes human nature makes me so sad. This guy was just like that joke – Why does a dog lick its balls. Because it can. He had no real interest in me whatsoever.

As I am the eternal optimist I gamely await my next existential romp through the dating world!

 

Dating Journal
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Affirmations for Losers

August 31, 2007

This friend of mine sent me this book and I am horrified. It was written by some guy from San Diego and it is sold online as Absolute Power Dating. The guy who authors it is just like the guy that weird dating coach Tom Cruise plays in Magnolia.

It is all about how to get laid without having a relationship. He is like the Dr. Phil of Creeps. He tells men that the thing to do is do the opposite of what they have been doing all along and be mean to women. That way you don’t end up all pussy whipped.

Of course this is not good news for girls who like me who want to have relationships. The funny part of the book is that he tells them to look in the mirror and say the most hilarious affirmations to themselves such as “I’m not the center of the universe! I am the Universe.” This is because he seems to think that women are attracted to men who are really egotistical. I have to admit this is partly true but not completely. Women are more attracted to men who are confident rather than men who are so egostistical that “I am the Universe!” is the positive affirmation. I want to tell him, hey – have fun with our Universe. This planet is finding some other cosmos to spin around in.

Also there is something kind of creepy about men that spend hours looking in the mirror and saying things like “Every woman thinks I am fascinating!” or “Even if I made a lot of money I wouldn’t spend it on a woman.” Other affirmations from this book include “Women hit on me constantly, even when they are with their boyfriends.” OUCH. Somebody is suffering from a case of really low esteem.

Other gems in the affirmations for losers collection include “I have no downside.”, “I only date super-models.”, “Women are obsessed with me.” , “I don’t call women.”, “Women call me all the time.”, “I’m so amusing I should charge admission!”, “Women will stand in line to have a chance to talk with me.” And my favorite “Every woman in here is staring at me.” (I suspect for the wrong reasons at this point.

In this book the author says that the reason the affirmations have to be so grand is because most men are coming from a place of deficit in the first place. He also says that these affirmations have to be spoken every day for twenty-one days to be effective. It makes one wonder. What happens if you miss a day? Does it, ahem, get all limp again? Do you have to start all over again from day one and repeat the 21 days. Or can you just continue and add on the missing day of affirmations.

I am thinking of developing my own affirmations that have everything to do with staying away from men who are so insecure that they have to tell themselves stuff like this every day in the mirror.

 

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The Violent Vegetarian

August 15, 2007

After this last date I am starting to wonder about this syndrome I keep encountering called the Violent Vegetarian. One would think that if a man was a vegetarian that he might be a pacifist or some kind of nice guy right? Not so.

I kind of got attracted to this person online because he seemed very knowledgeable about spiritual matters and also seemed to be very concerned with world issues. He was against all wars, pollution and even though he seemed quite political that last thing I would think is that he would be violent.

When we met online I did make it clear to him that I ate meat. He did seem a little put out and was making the occasional snide comment such as “You eat things that have a face?” but I didn’t take it seriously. I just figure you should not hold what a person eats against them and take it personally any more then you should hold a person’s skin color or anything else against them as well.

Anyhow this vegetarian had an opinion about everything including whether or not a woman should shave her legs, if O.J. was innocent, you name it. After debating the finer point of whether or not Dobermans are a violent dog or not I agreed to have a date with him.

I emailed him and told me to meet me at a Starbucks that has a near the beach. I got their first and was already sipping my latte when he showed up and sat down. He looked pleased to see me but at the same time he looked really upset. He just sat down, crossed his arms and stared at me. When I asked him whether or not he was going to get himself a cup of coffee at the self serve counter he just snapped at me and said “No!” When I asked why he said he would rather have nothing then drink coffee of a place that was so exploitive of the third world and that put so many genuine mom and pop cafes out of business.

Right at that point in time someone on the patio decided to light up a cigarette, which then cajoled him to put on a fit of exaggerated coughing. He was also stating insulting things in a loud voice such as “I bet you wear fur too.” And “I don’t want lung cancer thank you very much.”

He was then distracted from the smoker by the sight of a man riding his bicycle on the sidewalk instead of the road. “There’s nothing worse than a grown man riding his bicycle on the sidewalk” he exclaimed as he jumped up and then proceeded to run after the man who was riding on the sidewalk. He then pulled the guy off of his bike and scuffle ensued…

Wasn’t Hitler a vegetarian? Giving the crowd around me that “I’m not with him..” look I took this as my cue to leave.

 

Dating Journal
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Mr. Whatever

July 26, 2007

Have you ever gone out with one of those “whatever” guys? No matter what you ask them to do they just go “whatever.” It is the height of romantic nihilism and I think in terms of relationships, the height of irresponsibility and emotionally cold and unavailable. Whatever happened to the guy that is strong, determined and able to make decisions. I’m not asking for Prince Charming but I do like to be swept off of my feet sometimes.

I have been seeing this one guy on and off for a few months and the reason he will never become a boyfriend of mine for real is because he is a “whatever” guy. For instance the other night I was feeling kind of lonely and figured I would call Whatever Guy up to see if he just wanted to go hang around somewhere at a beachside café and maybe get something to eat.

So I phone him and say, “So what are you up to?” I am always nice and casual with no pressure and he says “Watching Seinfeld reruns.” Of course he never asks me what I have been up to. That is how Mr. Whatever lets me know that he could care less.

I then tell him that I thinking of going and hanging around on the beachfront and maybe getting a cup of coffee or something to eat and he says “I just had a cup of coffee.”

Even more disconcerting about this whole conversation is that I think that he was very much enraptured by the Seinfeld episode he was watching. So I say, “well you don’t have to have coffee you can have beer or wine or something else.”

This is his cue to say “whatever.”

When I then ask him what time he wants to meet he also says “whatever.”

Just as I am starting to get the feeling that he just doesn’t want to see me at all he turns it around and goes – “Which restaurant.”

I am not sure what I think of Mr. Whatever’s manner. My female friends say he is depressed and apathetic. My male friends here however say that he is not shy, or undecided or passive aggressive or anything like that. They say that they use the words “whate3ver” when they don’t want to see someone and that he might just be agreeing to see me because he has nothing better to do with his time and is bored. The men say that it is code for “don’t get your hopes up.”

All I have to say about that is ‘Ouch!” I think my mother would say that I deserve something better then the ‘whatever” man but oddly I am attracted to him. There is nothing like someone not wanting you to make you want them more. This is especially true if you have already had sex with him. It is one of the crazy laws of the universe when it comes to love.

 

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