The Name Caller

August 28, 2007

Okay I have been having more fun than usual going out with my girlfriends. We’ve been taking trips down to Miami and drinking. I’ve checked out some of the nicer hotels and clubs.

The problem was the other night we kind of got asked to leave a big Miami establishment that was a little bit too classy for us. It seems that my girlfriend had one too many Singapore Slings and decided to insult the bartender. Big mistake. We got bounced right out of there like a rubber ball.

Outside we ran into a guy who seems to have also been thrown out of the club. That should have been my first clue that he was a bit of jerk. But he was just so good looking. I also thought he might be kind of okay because it turns out that my girlfriend who got us thrown out of the club in the first place went to school with him.

We all went out for coffee and something to eat – because we had been slinging back slings and cosmopolitans since four p.m. and then when it was time to leave I grabbed him by the arm and said, “Don’t go. I haven’t had my way with you yet.

That got his attention so we exchanged telephone numbers.

After waiting the obligatory few days that men wait before they call you he called and I agreed to meet him at this really great Miami hotel restaurant that has great food. Then El Cheapo took me across the street to the nastiest, cheapest Italian restaurant you have ever seen. I swear they poured a can of tomato soup on pasta and called it pasta. The wine we had tasted like it could peel the finish of off a wood table.

During the dinner he just kept telling me how he hadn’t been able to get a job in four years and what a bitch his last girlfriend was. This is a real turn off for me so I decided not to go out with him again.

When he called to arrange a new date, I told him I wasn’t interested. He then called me a name and demanded an explanation. I hung up on him.

What ensued was unbelievable. He called again to tell me what he thought of me. He called every fifteen minutes to tell me what he thought of me. It started off not too bad with names like shallow, snobby and ignorant and progressed to whore, slut and cocktease.

When he called to demand back the money he paid for the meal at three in the morning I decided to call the police.

The police then gave him a visit and had a little talk with him. It’s been about a week and I haven’t heard from him again.

Moral of the story: Never go out with someone you meet after you have been thrown out of a bar.

 

Dating Journal
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The Violent Vegetarian

August 15, 2007

After this last date I am starting to wonder about this syndrome I keep encountering called the Violent Vegetarian. One would think that if a man was a vegetarian that he might be a pacifist or some kind of nice guy right? Not so.

I kind of got attracted to this person online because he seemed very knowledgeable about spiritual matters and also seemed to be very concerned with world issues. He was against all wars, pollution and even though he seemed quite political that last thing I would think is that he would be violent.

When we met online I did make it clear to him that I ate meat. He did seem a little put out and was making the occasional snide comment such as “You eat things that have a face?” but I didn’t take it seriously. I just figure you should not hold what a person eats against them and take it personally any more then you should hold a person’s skin color or anything else against them as well.

Anyhow this vegetarian had an opinion about everything including whether or not a woman should shave her legs, if O.J. was innocent, you name it. After debating the finer point of whether or not Dobermans are a violent dog or not I agreed to have a date with him.

I emailed him and told me to meet me at a Starbucks that has a near the beach. I got their first and was already sipping my latte when he showed up and sat down. He looked pleased to see me but at the same time he looked really upset. He just sat down, crossed his arms and stared at me. When I asked him whether or not he was going to get himself a cup of coffee at the self serve counter he just snapped at me and said “No!” When I asked why he said he would rather have nothing then drink coffee of a place that was so exploitive of the third world and that put so many genuine mom and pop cafes out of business.

Right at that point in time someone on the patio decided to light up a cigarette, which then cajoled him to put on a fit of exaggerated coughing. He was also stating insulting things in a loud voice such as “I bet you wear fur too.” And “I don’t want lung cancer thank you very much.”

He was then distracted from the smoker by the sight of a man riding his bicycle on the sidewalk instead of the road. “There’s nothing worse than a grown man riding his bicycle on the sidewalk” he exclaimed as he jumped up and then proceeded to run after the man who was riding on the sidewalk. He then pulled the guy off of his bike and scuffle ensued…

Wasn’t Hitler a vegetarian? Giving the crowd around me that “I’m not with him..” look I took this as my cue to leave.

 

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Mr. Whatever

July 26, 2007

Have you ever gone out with one of those “whatever” guys? No matter what you ask them to do they just go “whatever.” It is the height of romantic nihilism and I think in terms of relationships, the height of irresponsibility and emotionally cold and unavailable. Whatever happened to the guy that is strong, determined and able to make decisions. I’m not asking for Prince Charming but I do like to be swept off of my feet sometimes.

I have been seeing this one guy on and off for a few months and the reason he will never become a boyfriend of mine for real is because he is a “whatever” guy. For instance the other night I was feeling kind of lonely and figured I would call Whatever Guy up to see if he just wanted to go hang around somewhere at a beachside café and maybe get something to eat.

So I phone him and say, “So what are you up to?” I am always nice and casual with no pressure and he says “Watching Seinfeld reruns.” Of course he never asks me what I have been up to. That is how Mr. Whatever lets me know that he could care less.

I then tell him that I thinking of going and hanging around on the beachfront and maybe getting a cup of coffee or something to eat and he says “I just had a cup of coffee.”

Even more disconcerting about this whole conversation is that I think that he was very much enraptured by the Seinfeld episode he was watching. So I say, “well you don’t have to have coffee you can have beer or wine or something else.”

This is his cue to say “whatever.”

When I then ask him what time he wants to meet he also says “whatever.”

Just as I am starting to get the feeling that he just doesn’t want to see me at all he turns it around and goes – “Which restaurant.”

I am not sure what I think of Mr. Whatever’s manner. My female friends say he is depressed and apathetic. My male friends here however say that he is not shy, or undecided or passive aggressive or anything like that. They say that they use the words “whate3ver” when they don’t want to see someone and that he might just be agreeing to see me because he has nothing better to do with his time and is bored. The men say that it is code for “don’t get your hopes up.”

All I have to say about that is ‘Ouch!” I think my mother would say that I deserve something better then the ‘whatever” man but oddly I am attracted to him. There is nothing like someone not wanting you to make you want them more. This is especially true if you have already had sex with him. It is one of the crazy laws of the universe when it comes to love.

 

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Mr. I Forgot My Pin Number

July 23, 2007

Sorry I haven’t been writing for a couple of days but I decided to just soak up some rays on the beach and relax. However while at one of the hotels in Miami I met this really handsome actor/ waiter. I kept going for Monitors to the same bar again and again hoping to be asked out on a date.

Finally it happens. He calls and he talks to me on the phone. He gives great phone! I am charmed. He shows up at my door. He looks gorgeous, clean and I like the expensive car I see pulled up in the driveway.

He takes to me to the Hard Rock Café in Miami and both of us have a ball listening to the music and people watching both the tourists and famous people alike. He told me this was one of his favorite places, as he loves studying human behavior (like most actors do

I really was optimistic as we did spend a lot of time making googly eyes at each other and our hands and legs would lightly touch each other now and then. We had a bottle of expensive wine, raw oysters, a great pasta with rose sauce and then after all that was done we split a giant fudge sundae. Everything was going great and I loved the way he seemed to be prolonging the date by ordering a succession of after dinner liquors to go with his coffee.

After our last Grand Marnier and gazing into each other’s lovesick eyes, the bill for all of this came. He put a debit card in the tray and the waiter looked at him wryly and said, “I’m sorry we only take credit cards here.” He then looked very startled and blurted out “I’m sorry! I don’t have a credit card and I only brought cash with me!”

He then emptied his pockets of everything and came up with what I could see was about three five-dollar bills and a b it of coin. This was not going to cover our seventy-dollar plus restaurant bill.

After witnessing this our waiter then suggested that he go to the bank machine which was located conveniently just outside the restaurant lobby. However he just kept looking at me and saying “I don’t have any cash on me.” Like he expected me to pay the bill.

Finally I asked him – “Why don’t you just go to the bank machine?” and he gave me puppy dog pleading type eyes and simply stated, “I forgot my PIN number. My wallet was stolen and they gave me a new one and I forgot the number that they had issued me.”

After I paid the bill we went out on the street and he asked if I would like to go for more drinks. I just had to say forget it because I really don’t think the woman should be paying for anything especially if he asks her out on a date. Needless to say his number is no longer on my speed dial!

 

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