The Violent Vegetarian

August 15, 2007

After this last date I am starting to wonder about this syndrome I keep encountering called the Violent Vegetarian. One would think that if a man was a vegetarian that he might be a pacifist or some kind of nice guy right? Not so.

I kind of got attracted to this person online because he seemed very knowledgeable about spiritual matters and also seemed to be very concerned with world issues. He was against all wars, pollution and even though he seemed quite political that last thing I would think is that he would be violent.

When we met online I did make it clear to him that I ate meat. He did seem a little put out and was making the occasional snide comment such as “You eat things that have a face?” but I didn’t take it seriously. I just figure you should not hold what a person eats against them and take it personally any more then you should hold a person’s skin color or anything else against them as well.

Anyhow this vegetarian had an opinion about everything including whether or not a woman should shave her legs, if O.J. was innocent, you name it. After debating the finer point of whether or not Dobermans are a violent dog or not I agreed to have a date with him.

I emailed him and told me to meet me at a Starbucks that has a near the beach. I got their first and was already sipping my latte when he showed up and sat down. He looked pleased to see me but at the same time he looked really upset. He just sat down, crossed his arms and stared at me. When I asked him whether or not he was going to get himself a cup of coffee at the self serve counter he just snapped at me and said “No!” When I asked why he said he would rather have nothing then drink coffee of a place that was so exploitive of the third world and that put so many genuine mom and pop cafes out of business.

Right at that point in time someone on the patio decided to light up a cigarette, which then cajoled him to put on a fit of exaggerated coughing. He was also stating insulting things in a loud voice such as “I bet you wear fur too.” And “I don’t want lung cancer thank you very much.”

He was then distracted from the smoker by the sight of a man riding his bicycle on the sidewalk instead of the road. “There’s nothing worse than a grown man riding his bicycle on the sidewalk” he exclaimed as he jumped up and then proceeded to run after the man who was riding on the sidewalk. He then pulled the guy off of his bike and scuffle ensued…

Wasn’t Hitler a vegetarian? Giving the crowd around me that “I’m not with him..” look I took this as my cue to leave.

 

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Chocolate Surprise!

August 13, 2007

I just have to share this story, which happened to my friend Barbara Jane. She is single and in her twenties like me and her boss thought that her neighbour’s single son would make a great blind date for her. After all he was in University studying to be a dentist and was apparently just living in his mother’s basement still so he could save on intuition.

So on the urging of her boss, who meant so well, she meets this guy for an hour and a half lunch date. When she laid eyes on him she couldn’t believe her good fortune. He was good looking, witty, well dressed and seemed to have a great sense of humor. She immediately said yes when he offered to take her out on a date the next day that just happened to be Valentine’s Day.

The next day he shows up at her door and rings the bell. He is dressed up in a designer to die for suit and looks just like one of those handsome men in Details magazine. Furthermore he is holding out a dozen red roses, which are meant just for her.

My girlfriend Barbara Jane takes the flowers and just as she says she must put them in water he tells her to wait as there are even more presents for her. He then bends over and starts placing two more prettily wrapped boxes inside her front hall.

As there are so many presents she invites him, all the time saying “Oh you shouldn’t have!” and really meaning it to because it was a bit of Valentine’s Day overkill.

The first thing she does is uncork the bottle of champagne he has brought and pour them both a glass. She then opens the first present, which contains a nice pair of pink satin gloves that he says he found in a vintage store. She is really pleased about this as she did tell him that she loved these old style kid gloves the day before at lunch.

The second present was also pretty good. It was an entire bottle of Guerlain perfume. The good stuff and not just the eau de toilette and it was packaged in a limited edition bottle.

As she went to open the third present, which was a beautiful red foil heart shaped box he said, “I hope you are not one of those women who doesn’t like to eat things.”

Inside this box is “premium exotic chocolate.” When she opens the lid to the box of chocolates she was amazed to see that the box was filled with six quite big cream filled replicas of chocolate penises.

“Have one!” he says.

She didn’t know what do say and just stared in disbelief. She said she wasn’t hungry and went through with the rest of the date but needless to say after it was over had to tell her boss that this one wasn’t quite going to work out (without going into too much detail!)

 

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Mr. Enthusiastic

August 7, 2007

Well I was pretty bored the other day, so I started surfing and caught myself a real live man right away. I agreed to meet someone that I me t through a local online chat that same day I normally check them out a little better before I agree to a date but it was a beautiful day and he wanted to take me to my very favorite seafood restaurant on the water.

Once again I lucked out! He looked very similar to his picture and he was very nicely dressed. I remember thinking as he came to the door that he seemed to be a little shy and quiet but there is nothing really wrong with that.

He also did not say much as we raced along the seashore highway in his gorgeous little Porsche. I just decided to attribute this to shyness. He told me where we were going and he complimented me once. All he said was “That dress looks good on you.”

However when it was about halfway through our dinner and he had about three scotches and was still not looking me in the eye I began to get concerned. He seemed, in fact, to be looking everywhere in the room but at me directly. Mostly his gaze seemed to land on the television sets above the bar, which were broadcasting a sports game.

Even thought the food was great and he was one of the nicest looking men I have ever been with I was starting to feel claustrophobic. He wasn’t really talking about much. He mentioned that the construction on the highway was irritating. He also said something about how he was planning to install new tiles in his condo.

The silence between him and I was deafening so I claimed that I wasn’t feeling well and that I wanted to go him. This was his cue to order another Scotch. He then asked me if I would like to go on a three day weekend with him to Las Vegas. He also told me he would take me shopping and buy me some glamorous clothes so I would look great standing next to him at the baccarat tables. He also told me that he had the feeling that I would bring him good luck.

When I said that I wasn’t interested in going to Vegas he didn’t reply. He simply continued to watch the television while he finished his drink. He then drove me home with only saying the most perfunctory of words such as “Do up your seatbelt.” He attempted to peck me on the cheek as I left the car but I dodged him.

That was one of the loneliest dates I have ever been on but part of me is wondering if it would have gone better if I had agreed to go to Las Vegas. Although I could use some sexy clothes I am sure I would have “cooled out” his luck as I am definitely not happy about being a trophy girlfriend.

 

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His Ex Lives In My Building

August 4, 2007

I started talking to this guy online recently. He sent me a picture of himself and he seemed very cute. I knew that he lived close where to I do as a lot of our online chat was about the local neighbourhood and we also frequently discussed the irony of how we never seemed to run into each other. We also had a few acquaintances in common so I thought it was safe to ask him to pick me up.

When he pulled up in his sports car I was really pleased at what I saw. He looked exactly like he did in his online picture and he was really cute. However I could not figure out why he looked so upset. Instead of coming up the laneway towards my apartment he pulled out a cell phone and was calling someone.

My phone rang. When I answered it he told me in a really embarrassed tone that he did not know how to tell me this but he wasn’t allowed to come into my building. He said his ex lived in the apartment complex and that she had a restraining order against him so I would have to come out to the car by myself. He wasn’t even allowed to come on the property.

I know. I know. I should have hung up at the words “restraining order” but I just didn’t feel like I could take one more disappointment. I go downstairs and I get into his car. He is sort of slouched down inside of it like he is hiding from her view.

We talk about where we would like to go and then he tells me he wants to get as far away from my neighborhood as possible. I agree. Then I find out that he does not know the neighborhood at all and only knows it because his ex lives in my building.

So he starts driving and we end up at a little cheap Mexican restaurant on the other side of town. Nothing at all seems that wrong except that he seems really nervous and keeps encouraging me to down Margheritas. After making the usual small talk I finally worked up the courage to ask him a little more about his ex.

That’s when he tells me that she is not really an ex and that they were not really together but they should have been. In fact he went into a very long story that included descriptions of the two times he went to jail for just sending her flowers and phoning.

I soon realized I was having dinner with a serious stalker.

Thankfully I got out of the date okay but of course now I am on edge wondering if he might stalk me too. I tried to talk to the woman I think is his ex about it but each time I see her she is with her boyfriend and I don’t want to embarrass him. Hopefully he will just take the hint and leave me alone as I am not answering his calls.

 

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